Depression is a Lonely Disease

Depression and anxiety, two conditions that go hand in hand, run in my family, leading me to believe that mental illness is genetic. Some say mental illness is often the result of a dysfunctional upbringing, which may be true in part, but inherited genes determine personality, also. Even though several in my family suffer from depression/anxiety, the level of intensity and the way in which each person deals with the disease is very different.

In my case, I am deeply aware that my cycles of sorrow, anger, worry, and despair negatively effect the people closest to me, especially my husband and sons. Because I refuse to let my misery become their misery, I work very hard to control my emotions, and when I can’t, I’m honest about my feelings, and I retreat to a place of solitude to weep and yell and pray to God. In this way, I willingly accept my depression, asking God for help to overcome my deadly thoughts. After spending time alone in prayer, I can return to my family without the wrathful anger burning inside me that, in the past, would often erupt into bitter offenses.

Throughout a lifetime, I’m learning to accept depression/anxiety as a part of my personality but it’s not who I am. I feel joy in the midst of sorrow; I suffer misery while loving my family; I have hope for tomorrow when today is hopeless; I embrace life courageously and reject death as an option. I worry about the future, but trust that God is always there, waiting for me to call out to Him.

Anxiety!

I stand and sit, sit and stand

Wondering where I’ve been?

Pacing the floors, each pace

Wanting the pain to erase.

Instead it lingers, etched within,

The hurt remains;

I call out again!

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Chronic Pain Depresses Life

When pain is chronic, a marriage struggles to grow. Depression intensifies in both, creating a desire to be alone. When love is miserable, hope will flow.

 

I’m Sorry I Love You

Nothing can even begin to explain

The sorrow I live because I love you

I have tried everything to ease your pain

Instead I’m left empty with nothing new.

 

I give my body whenever you wish

Willing to sacrifice the love I need

“Please eat my flesh like I’m a gourmet dish!”

I’m wondering if your soul I did feed.

 

The passion of our youth fades in the past

Creating a canyon of distance, too

“What is left for us to forever last?”

A union so strong there’s one thing to do.

 

Trust in our love that is unbreakable

“I’m sorry your life is so miserable.”

Beauty of Life or Sorrow of Suicide

Feelings Unite Us

I feel your emotions so deep, no matter the feeling it is

It can be overwhelming to share your emotions

To embrace this gift God has trusted me to live

Beyond order and self-discipline

I seek to find balance within

I love you and this is it

I feel your pain and joy

To want life not death

So sorrowful to sense

Your desire to end

How will I

Save you?

 

Too many young people succeed in ending their lives, and this truth breaks my heart and makes me worry for our children. Death has become an increasingly acceptable choice for people, young and old alike, who simply want to end their pain and control the uncontrollable. Pain and suffering is triumphant over the desire to hope for a better tomorrow. Hope has become a rare virtue in our world full of despair, and we watch in horror as those in our lives make the final decision to give up.

As a sensitive empathic, I feel the pain and hopelessness of others, united with my own pain and suffering, I weep with meaning. These powerful emotions, which are uniquely human, give me insight into a reality beyond the natural world. Even more, I pray with confident hope and hold onto the awesome truth that choosing life, for myself and others, is a divine blessing. I believe in a God of love who is intimately involved in our lives, and I believe God created all people with a purpose and place is this desperate world.

This is my prayer: Please Lord, show us the beauty of life!

“I Do Believe, Help My Unbelief!”

Who [indeed] is the victor over the world but the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?  I John 5:5

 

Just Believe

 

He told us He is the Resurrection

The very life we all desire.

He said we could have it, too,

If we just believe and never tire.

It is so hard, though, to always believe

In this Truth that seems so strange

Contrary to this culture of death

Many say to follow Christ is deranged.

 

“Do you really believe, only a man

Could rise from the dead and live?”

I answer this question only one way,

“I believe in the Gift He did give.”

I believe in His Loving Sacrifice

Found outstretched on a Cross.

I believe He is God’s only Son

Who came to save His lost.

 

The condition of this darkened world

Tells me every single day

That every human being is lost

And there is only One Saving Way.

Jesus is the Way to Life

The evidence, to me, is concrete

So I believe in Him with all my heart

And with my mouth, His Good News I speak.

 

Accept the Lord and you will see

The Truth is shown in His Light

Peace is perfect when you know

Jesus has won the fight.

The battle continues throughout a lifetime

As temptation to sin darkens our past

But Jesus paid for all with His Blood

So through the Gates of Heaven, we may pass.

 

All we need to do is believe…

Grace is All We Need

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Dad and me in May 2018.

Grace is All We Need

You said, “Thank you,”

When I hugged your frail body

I was overwhelmed with your gratitude

Because we decided to come see you

There’s something you know that we don’t

You know this is not good

You know there is something seriously wrong

So you’re thankful your children came,

And we all came because you’re our Dad

We want to honor you

While distance keeps some of us physically apart

Our connection is spiritually linked

When I pray to God for you

I can hear your voice, Dad

And you’re telling me

“Take care of your mother, Kristin,”

And I promise, Dad, we will

As you express gratitude for each of your children

All four of us coming to see you,

Loving you in our own way,

Giving you hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement

We want you to be comfortable

We want you to have peace

We must accept this inevitable reality that you already know,

The truth that there is something very wrong

It looks like you’re being called home, Dad

And it’s so difficult to watch

Far away, home in my distant state

I’m in touch with my brother and sister

My mom and my cousin are keeping me updated

And by all accounts, it’s not good

You’re falling asleep, Dad

With some pain

With much sorrow

And I can only bear it

Because I believe in the faith you gave us

You’re going to live for eternity

In Heaven, with God and all the souls who love you

In the end, this is our faith, Dad

And Grace is all we need.

I love you, Dad, may you live forever with God in paradise, Amen!

Receive God’s Breath

I wrote this poem for my husband’s younger brother who died in 2014. His birthday was remembered last month by all of us who love him. Pondering all the loved ones who have died in years past and my dad who is currently fighting a deadly disease, I find hope in God and his promise of eternal life. Faith, Hope, and Love, in the end, that’s all there is…

Questions: Life and Death

Simon Peter answered him, “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”  John 6: 68-69

I constantly ask God questions during my prayers, wondering who I am and where I fit into this mysterious life. One day I will die as everyone dies, especially connected to those whom I have loved. From disease, accidents, or old age, these mortal bodies will eventually break down and cease to live. But will we cease to exist? That is the ultimate question: what will happen when these bodies die? Jesus gives us an answer, and I believe in his powerful promise. To know Jesus is to know eternal life, and that is an awesome answer!

 

Fallen

Do we study our history and learn from our mistakes?

Do we humble our hearts for our future’s sake?

Do we sacrifice for our children long before they’re conceived?

Do we honor the gift of life, and in our posterity, we believe?

Do we hope for a tomorrow that may never be seen?

Do we trust in this moment living as a simple human being?

 

Individually, we must answer these questions if we ever want to thrive

Do I truly live in freedom and respect this mystery of being alive?

Do I judge my life is meaningful in this tiny speck of time?

Do I revere the life of others who are body, soul, and mind?

Do I love the image of God revealed in humanity’s invisible soul?

Do I share the promise of salvation which is a gift I deeply know?

 

I do seek the Lord of Lords and worship the King of Kings!

Faithfully following the Father and Son

One with the Spirit, I sing

I am saved!

I am alive!

Trusting the promise

Of the One!

 

 

 

 

 

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