In my last blog post, Depression is not Deserved, I share a passionately personal poem, expressing a desire to receive compassion from others because of the lonely cycles of depression that I endure. After spending time in meditation about the writing, the words speak to me an essential truth: I must love myself before anyone else can love me.
Throughout these past two weeks, I have listened to the Lord in prayer, filling me with love for who I am, even the parts of me I hate must be understood and accepted. But this is difficult to do because the depression that lives in my heart and mind attempts to destroy self-love and instead grow self-loathing, but this is not acceptable when I choose to be a child of God.
As a baptized Christian, I practice loving God, and I follow the Way of Jesus Christ, and I believe the Holy Spirit is here, transforming my life into something holy and divine. When I choose God, the love He has for me is essential to my heart and soul and helps me find compassion and understanding for my faults and weaknesses. Because I believe in the truth of the Gospel, I am learning to accept all my flaws and blemishes, which make me humanly dependent on the One who can make me alive and perfect. I trust in the hope of Christ because I know the hopelessness of depression…
I wonder…is depression a curse or a blessing? Is depression this undesirable genetic condition that is accurately labeled as a disease or a mental disorder? I don’t know, but I’m told it is something that must be cured, and I’m thinking that maybe a cure is not the answer. Maybe I need to embrace my cycles of sorrow and despair in order to understand and have compassion for the poor and the outcast in our world. Maybe I need to cry for the tragedies of destruction and death that plague our communities. Maybe the reason I endure the sorrows, fears, and worries of depression is to learn to love myself, to love others, and to love God.
Essence of Being
I am not righteous to carry the sins of others
The sins of my own are burden enough
Yet to carry my own sins is a yoke too heavy
Alone the weight I cannot bear
The mill stone of my wrong
Strapped around my neck
Drags me to the dark depths of the sea…
Thankfully, My Lord carries me
He covers me with His Perfect Love
Making me purely white as fresh snow
Because of His Blood and His Flesh
That I must eat of Him with faith in Christos
Faithful to the Promise that began in a garden
Is this the end or the beginning, a cycle?
Life, disease, death, decay,
It doesn’t end there,
New Life Sings!