As a person who suffers depression, I have depended on the comforting peacefulness of solitude. Even though I desire to have friendships and spend time with people, the reality of my emotional passion limits the amount of time I can socialize with others. Sometimes friends and family understand this, sometimes they don’t, either way, it’s a strain that often contributes to distant or broken relationships.
Alone with my thoughts, I blame myself for everything, and this is impossible to withstand. Fighting to defeat the negative self-talk, I write poetry to help me understand and forgive myself for being the depressive person I am. About 5 years ago, I wrote the following poem after several important relationships ended in my life, and all I could think about was how I messed up, telling myself that my strong emotions of sorrow and anger made me unapproachable. Writing this poem inspired me to practice forgiveness constantly, which is very difficult to do yet is essential to have peace of mind and a healing heart. Because of this revelation, I choose every day to forgive myself and others with mercy, kindness, and understanding.
You’re unapproachable, don’t you know
Your transparent anger keeps others away
Offended by everything, you turn and go
Unwilling to fight for a friend and stay.
You think you must be liked for who you are
High in the universe, you refuse to beg
Believing you have already gone too far
Standing alone, there’s much you’ve said.
You speak the truth, with all its pain
Death and decay depletes life and growth
Completely alone, you drown in the rain
Consumed by the evil you so deeply loathe.
Perfection is your desire for everyone else
For yourself you want respect for your faults
You live life wanting it fueled by generous wealth
And poverty rules with your daily serving of loss.
Depression has become your loyal best friend
Always there for as long as you can remember
Everyone smiles even when your friendships end
While your emotions erupt from a smoldering ember.