Depression is a Lonely Disease

Depression and anxiety, two conditions that go hand in hand, run in my family, leading me to believe that mental illness is genetic. Some say mental illness is often the result of a dysfunctional upbringing, which may be true in part, but inherited genes determine personality, also. Even though several in my family suffer from depression/anxiety, the level of intensity and the way in which each person deals with the disease is very different.

In my case, I am deeply aware that my cycles of sorrow, anger, worry, and despair negatively effect the people closest to me, especially my husband and sons. Because I refuse to let my misery become their misery, I work very hard to control my emotions, and when I can’t, I’m honest about my feelings, and I retreat to a place of solitude to weep and yell and pray to God. In this way, I willingly accept my depression, asking God for help to overcome my deadly thoughts. After spending time alone in prayer, I can return to my family without the wrathful anger burning inside me that, in the past, would often erupt into bitter offenses.

Throughout a lifetime, I’m learning to accept depression/anxiety as a part of my personality but it’s not who I am. I feel joy in the midst of sorrow; I suffer misery while loving my family; I have hope for tomorrow when today is hopeless; I embrace life courageously and reject death as an option. I worry about the future, but trust that God is always there, waiting for me to call out to Him.

Anxiety!

I stand and sit, sit and stand

Wondering where I’ve been?

Pacing the floors, each pace

Wanting the pain to erase.

Instead it lingers, etched within,

The hurt remains;

I call out again!

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Beauty of Life or Sorrow of Suicide

Feelings Unite Us

I feel your emotions so deep, no matter the feeling it is

It can be overwhelming to share your emotions

To embrace this gift God has trusted me to live

Beyond order and self-discipline

I seek to find balance within

I love you and this is it

I feel your pain and joy

To want life not death

So sorrowful to sense

Your desire to end

How will I

Save you?

 

Too many young people succeed in ending their lives, and this truth breaks my heart and makes me worry for our children. Death has become an increasingly acceptable choice for people, young and old alike, who simply want to end their pain and control the uncontrollable. Pain and suffering is triumphant over the desire to hope for a better tomorrow. Hope has become a rare virtue in our world full of despair, and we watch in horror as those in our lives make the final decision to give up.

As a sensitive empathic, I feel the pain and hopelessness of others, united with my own pain and suffering, I weep with meaning. These powerful emotions, which are uniquely human, give me insight into a reality beyond the natural world. Even more, I pray with confident hope and hold onto the awesome truth that choosing life, for myself and others, is a divine blessing. I believe in a God of love who is intimately involved in our lives, and I believe God created all people with a purpose and place is this desperate world.

This is my prayer: Please Lord, show us the beauty of life!

Grace is All We Need

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Dad and me in May 2018.

Grace is All We Need

You said, “Thank you,”

When I hugged your frail body

I was overwhelmed with your gratitude

Because we decided to come see you

There’s something you know that we don’t

You know this is not good

You know there is something seriously wrong

So you’re thankful your children came,

And we all came because you’re our Dad

We want to honor you

While distance keeps some of us physically apart

Our connection is spiritually linked

When I pray to God for you

I can hear your voice, Dad

And you’re telling me

“Take care of your mother, Kristin,”

And I promise, Dad, we will

As you express gratitude for each of your children

All four of us coming to see you,

Loving you in our own way,

Giving you hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement

We want you to be comfortable

We want you to have peace

We must accept this inevitable reality that you already know,

The truth that there is something very wrong

It looks like you’re being called home, Dad

And it’s so difficult to watch

Far away, home in my distant state

I’m in touch with my brother and sister

My mom and my cousin are keeping me updated

And by all accounts, it’s not good

You’re falling asleep, Dad

With some pain

With much sorrow

And I can only bear it

Because I believe in the faith you gave us

You’re going to live for eternity

In Heaven, with God and all the souls who love you

In the end, this is our faith, Dad

And Grace is all we need.

I love you, Dad, may you live forever with God in paradise, Amen!

Receive God’s Breath

I wrote this poem for my husband’s younger brother who died in 2014. His birthday was remembered last month by all of us who love him. Pondering all the loved ones who have died in years past and my dad who is currently fighting a deadly disease, I find hope in God and his promise of eternal life. Faith, Hope, and Love, in the end, that’s all there is…

Faithful Love Gives Hope

silhouette of pregnant standing on seashore during golden hour
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Babies

I feel my babies inside of me

Beneath my heart and completely free

Wanting so much to simply be

I am a part of this world.

But who am I to make this choice

To be the loudest and only voice

In my freedom to choose, I rejoice

I am a part of this world.

Sadly, others tell me its okay

To kill my child and walk away

And live to breathe another day

I am a part of this world.

But I also hear what the truth must be

As faithful friends try to help me see

When I feel my babies inside of me

I can’t stop their hearts because I’m free…

My babies are a part of this world!

Love Forever,

Mom

April, 2001

 

pexels-photo-266094.jpeg
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’ve been an outspoken pro-lifer since I was a teenager, and in recent years, my rejection of abortion as a protected right has become a dangerous belief. To speak out for the life of the unborn baby is now considered an attack on the life of a woman, leading to the deterioration of honest debate and resulting in arrogant hostility toward pro-life defenders. Trying to accept the feminist ideal that abortion is a moral choice that must be embraced and celebrated has intensified my hopelessness for our future.

When abortion is praised as a life-giving choice, I am shaken. During my deep days of sorrow, a baby’s cry reminds me that unborn babies cannot be heard, and I am filled with grief. So I weep for our children, our mothers, our fathers, and our society, which often leads down the path of despair.

Choosing abortion destroys hope for the future, diminishes the value of fathers, and eliminates the desire for mothers to build families. Ultimately, abortion is a choice made out of fear, and this fear overwhelms any hope we may have for the life of our children and ourselves. With faith, we must trust in the power of generous love and believe that life is a blessing.

I believe that women want to choose life for their babies and that men who provide the seed want to love and support their children.  We know the biological reality that an unborn baby is a baby; whether or not that pregnancy was planned, a choice must be made: will it be a choice filled with fear or faith?

Hope shines in this darkened world when mothers and fathers welcome their unborn children with a faithful and generous love.

Jesus or the World?

Bleeding Heart of Love
Bleeding Heart of Love

As a Christian disciple of Jesus Christ, I must make a choice every day. Do I choose to follow God’s Way or do I choose the world’s way? This challenge demands my daily commitment to reject the worldly allure of success that deceives and misleads. It takes humility and trust to follow Christ’s Way, and these holy gifts are given by the Spirit, growing the faith needed to believe in the Grace of Jesus. When loud, angry voices attempt to demean Christians who speak and live their faith, my choice becomes easier to make. I choose the love and forgiveness given by Jesus Christ rather than the hate and judgments given by the world.

Rise Up

I asked You to build me up     

          Instead You took me down

So I decided to build myself up

You painfully took me down again

          Breaking apart all the pride within.

 

Tiny pieces floating around, trying to reassemble

          I don’t want to be forced down

          Scratching, clawing, struggling

To go to the very top of acceptance

          That this world claims is gold.

         

Oh, how I want to be loved by the world

          Yet, You’re my precious pearl

          Take me down, Lord

As painful as it is

          There’s nothing I want more

          Than to live in pure peacefulness.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/7196003@N02/3578670240″>Coeurs-saignants – Bleeding Hearts</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Never Give Up; Never Give In

Hope in healing
Hope in healing

Depression and hope are opposing forces that can be balanced with a commitment to never give up and never give in, filling the heart with sorrow and joy. The sorrow comes when relationships are difficult, and joy comes when relationships are enduring. However, living with the personality of depression encourages the acceptance of ‘blame’ for relationship problems, which can lead to self-loathing and broken friendships. Still, healing choices must be made and both sorrow and joy are the result. Deciding to leave a toxic relationship or stay in it takes courage, and whatever the decision, self-worth must remain intact. For those of us who live with depression, finding self-love is a daily pursuit. Never give up and never give in, no matter what the voices say.

Unapproachable You

You’re unapproachable, don’t you know

Your transparent anger keeps others away

Offended by everything, you turn and go

Unwilling to fight for a friend and stay.

You think you must be liked for who you are

High in the universe, you refuse to beg

Believing you have already gone too far

Standing alone, there’s much you’ve said.

You speak the truth, with all its pain

Death and decay created by life and growth

Completely alone, you drown in the rain

Consumed by the evil you so deeply loathe.

Perfection is your desire for everyone else

For yourself you want respect for your faults

You live life wanting it fueled by generous wealth

And poverty rules with your daily serving of loss.

Depression has become your loyal best friend

Always there for as long as you can remember

Everyone smiles even when your friendships end

Because deep emotions are too much of a bother.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/16230215@N08/8432852019″>The only Reality</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;