Depression Forces Isolation

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As a person who suffers depression, I have depended on the comforting peacefulness of solitude. Even though I desire to have friendships and spend time with people, the reality of my emotional passion limits the amount of time I can socialize with others. Sometimes friends and family understand this, sometimes they don’t, either way, it’s a strain that often contributes to distant or broken relationships.

Alone with my thoughts, I blame myself for everything, and this is impossible to withstand. Fighting to defeat the negative self-talk, I write poetry to help me understand and forgive myself for being the depressive person I am. About 5 years ago, I wrote the following poem after several important relationships ended in my life, and all I could think about was how I messed up, telling myself that my strong emotions of sorrow and anger made me unapproachable. Writing this poem inspired me to practice forgiveness constantly, which is very difficult to do yet is essential to have peace of mind and a healing heart.  Because of this revelation, I choose every day to forgive myself and others with mercy, kindness, and understanding.

 

Unapproachable You

You’re unapproachable, don’t you know

Your transparent anger keeps others away

Offended by everything, you turn and go

Unwilling to fight for a friend and stay.

 

You think you must be liked for who you are

High in the universe, you refuse to beg

Believing you have already gone too far

Standing alone, there’s much you’ve said.

 

You speak the truth, with all its pain

Death and decay depletes life and growth

Completely alone, you drown in the rain

Consumed by the evil you so deeply loathe.

 

Perfection is your desire for everyone else

For yourself you want respect for your faults

You live life wanting it fueled by generous wealth

And poverty rules with your daily serving of loss.

 

Depression has become your loyal best friend

Always there for as long as you can remember

Everyone smiles even when your friendships end

While your emotions erupt from a smoldering ember.

 

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Seeking Love in a Loveless World

…and he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. –Proverbs 11:25

Seeking Love in a Loveless World

Futile in this world to find

Felt deep in this heart of mine

A faithful love that is truly kind

 

Charity in this world passes me by

Making my depressive mind think it a lie

A faithful love that will never die

 

Hope for this world while I live

Kindness for others I try to give

A faithful love that will always forgive

 

Only from one do I find true love

This heavenly gift comes from above

A faithful love that is deeply enough

 

Filling me with warmth holy and pure

For my cyclical depression, the only cure

A faithful love that will forever endure.

K.A. Ball  2018

 

Through many years of prayer and contemplation, meditating on the Scriptures and Church teachings, I have come to believe that the reality of love exists in the Holy Presence of a Loving God. How is it that I can come to know and commune with the God of Love?

Jesus came to earth to teach us how to know and love God. By his miracles, awesome teachings, and merciful death and resurrection, as a disciple of Christ, we can choose to live a life constantly seeking to know and love the One True God. With Prayer, the Gospels, and the church, revelations about God’s love for me is experienced at times when I’m at my lowest. God’s love saves me; His mercy endures forever.

In God’s presence, I understand that mercy is an essential virtue to practice when loving others because this world is imperfect. As a weak human being who makes daily mistakes, I am constantly following the way of Jesus so I can love like him.

Jesus teaches: But to you who hear I say, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you , pray for those who mistreat you; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful. –Luke 6: 27, 35-36

 

Faithful Love Gives Hope

silhouette of pregnant standing on seashore during golden hour
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    Babies

I feel my babies inside of me

Beneath my heart and completely free

Wanting so much to simply be

I am a part of this world.

But who am I to make this choice

To be the loudest and only voice

In my freedom to choose, I rejoice

I am a part of this world.

Sadly, others tell me its okay

To kill my child and walk away

And live to breathe another day

I am a part of this world.

But I also hear what the truth must be

As faithful friends try to help me see

When I feel my babies inside of me

I can’t stop their hearts because I’m free…

My babies are a part of this world!

Love Forever,

Mom

April, 2001

 

pexels-photo-266094.jpeg
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I’ve been an outspoken pro-lifer since I was a teenager, and in recent years, my rejection of abortion as a protected right has become a dangerous belief. To speak out for the life of the unborn baby is now considered an attack on the life of a woman, leading to the deterioration of honest debate and resulting in arrogant hostility toward pro-life defenders. Trying to accept the feminist ideal that abortion is a moral choice that must be embraced and celebrated has intensified my hopelessness for our future.

When abortion is praised as a life-giving choice, I am shaken. During my deep days of sorrow, a baby’s cry reminds me that unborn babies cannot be heard, and I am filled with grief. So I weep for our children, our mothers, our fathers, and our society, which often leads down the path of despair.

Choosing abortion destroys hope for the future, diminishes the value of fathers, and eliminates the desire for mothers to build families. Ultimately, abortion is a choice made out of fear, and this fear overwhelms any hope we may have for the life of our children and ourselves. With faith, we must trust in the power of generous love and believe that life is a blessing.

I believe that women want to choose life for their babies and that men who provide the seed want to love and support their children.  We know the biological reality that an unborn baby is a baby; whether or not that pregnancy was planned, a choice must be made: will it be a choice filled with fear or faith?

Hope shines in this darkened world when mothers and fathers welcome their unborn children with a faithful and generous love.

Jesus or the World?

Bleeding Heart of Love
Bleeding Heart of Love

As a Christian disciple of Jesus Christ, I must make a choice every day. Do I choose to follow God’s Way or do I choose the world’s way? This challenge demands my daily commitment to reject the worldly allure of success that deceives and misleads. It takes humility and trust to follow Christ’s Way, and these holy gifts are given by the Spirit, growing the faith needed to believe in the Grace of Jesus. When loud, angry voices attempt to demean Christians who speak and live their faith, my choice becomes easier to make. I choose the love and forgiveness given by Jesus Christ rather than the hate and judgments given by the world.

Rise Up

I asked You to build me up     

          Instead You took me down

So I decided to build myself up

You painfully took me down again

          Breaking apart all the pride within.

 

Tiny pieces floating around, trying to reassemble

          I don’t want to be forced down

          Scratching, clawing, struggling

To go to the very top of acceptance

          That this world claims is gold.

         

Oh, how I want to be loved by the world

          Yet, You’re my precious pearl

          Take me down, Lord

As painful as it is

          There’s nothing I want more

          Than to live in pure peacefulness.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/7196003@N02/3578670240″>Coeurs-saignants – Bleeding Hearts</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Never Give Up; Never Give In

Hope in healing
Hope in healing

Depression and hope are opposing forces that can be balanced with a commitment to never give up and never give in, filling the heart with sorrow and joy. The sorrow comes when relationships are difficult, and joy comes when relationships are enduring. However, living with the personality of depression encourages the acceptance of ‘blame’ for relationship problems, which can lead to self-loathing and broken friendships. Still, healing choices must be made and both sorrow and joy are the result. Deciding to leave a toxic relationship or stay in it takes courage, and whatever the decision, self-worth must remain intact. For those of us who live with depression, finding self-love is a daily pursuit. Never give up and never give in, no matter what the voices say.

Unapproachable You

You’re unapproachable, don’t you know

Your transparent anger keeps others away

Offended by everything, you turn and go

Unwilling to fight for a friend and stay.

You think you must be liked for who you are

High in the universe, you refuse to beg

Believing you have already gone too far

Standing alone, there’s much you’ve said.

You speak the truth, with all its pain

Death and decay created by life and growth

Completely alone, you drown in the rain

Consumed by the evil you so deeply loathe.

Perfection is your desire for everyone else

For yourself you want respect for your faults

You live life wanting it fueled by generous wealth

And poverty rules with your daily serving of loss.

Depression has become your loyal best friend

Always there for as long as you can remember

Everyone smiles even when your friendships end

Because deep emotions are too much of a bother.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/16230215@N08/8432852019″>The only Reality</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Self-discovery with Self-love

Mystery and Discovery
Mystery and Discovery

Everything should be embraced as a journey; to find gratitude in pain is to find oneself following through while facing fears. To keep on keeping on until the lesson is learned and growth has bloomed, with the simplicity of every moment that should be shared in truth. Truth to oneself, truth in faith, even when feeling unheard and alone. We can’t give up for the triumph is always near. As there is beauty in the dark, there is beauty in the light:) Self-discovery with self-love is the journey.

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Shy away, shy away phantom.

Run away, run away shadow.

Tear away, tear away blind sides.

Drive away, drive away, and test the time.

Burn away, and watch the ashes rise.

Rise above, out of the smoke, through to the other side.

Search, crawl, yearn, walk, and continue to yearn…abide.

 

Black as night, night you find.

Chains that shackle your thoughts in mind.

Dew is dawn and dawn be still.

After evermore, another altered fill.

 

Shy away, shy away phantom.

Run away, run away shadow.

Tear away, tear away blind sides.

 

The brightest star that’s seen;

Watch it burn and watch it shine.

Feel the burn, the burn inside.

In the pain, embrace that flame,

And shine it all the way.

Touch the rain, and thirst the beauty of all its gain

Kiss the night, for the night turns to day.

Watch that star as it lights the way.

 

Drive away, drive away, and test the time.

Burn away, and watch the ashes rise.

Rise above, out of the smoke, through to the other side.

Search, crawl, yearn, walk, and continue to yearn…abide

Endure the now in time.

~Kacie Bennett: Contributing Poet

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/50220975@N05/5861567144″>Lovestory</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

The Tree In Me

God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on the trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars. -Martin Luther
God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on the trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars. -Martin Luther

 

As a child, I loved to climb a tree and feel its protective strength. As an adult, I love to sit beneath a tree and listen to the silently wise message it speaks.

The Tree in Me

I love the trees

Nurturing comfort they bring

Whenever I sit beneath

Their fluttering calming leaves.

They speak to me quietly

I love their gentle way

Whispering wind through their branches

Crack and sway with thoughtful creaks. 

Oh! How I love the trees

So spiritual, strong, and faithful

Reaching for the life-giving light

Protecting the saplings below. 

So much more than that

They give me all I need

Food, shelter, the very air I breathe

Giving so much and so little to take. 

In this relationship, person and tree

I take and take, you give and give

But then you ask me so sweetly

“Please, will you help me to live?”

By Kristin  A. Ball

Planting trees is a simple way to make a big difference for our environment and for growing our future. Check out Arbor Day Foundation for great resources and guidance in renewing our trees so they will live on and on and on.

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/39498436@N02/21029143699″>Worship the sun.</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;